The Catalog of Ridiculous Excess

From time to time I like to check out the gleefully snarky site Jezebel, which considers itself a women's site with an emphasis on pop culture, shopping, and sex, but I suspect a lot of men read it too, simply because it's quite funny. One of Jezebel's features that I really like is called Today in Catalogs, where the writer critiques the products, the accompanying copy, and the presentation of a particular catalog, usually not in a positive way.

So when a Hammacher Schlemmer catalog ("America's Longest Running Catalog") landed in my mailbox, I got the idea to do something similar. If Sharper Image is was the store for people with more money than sense or taste, then HS is its snobby older cousin with a tricked-out BMW M3 and a Bluetooth headset: even more money, still questionable sense and taste, and an attitude of superiority to go along with them.

Twenty years ago I had a boss who was quite enamored of this catalog, and it's quite clear why: buying stuff from it was a way to show off and stroke his ego, and if you need to do those things, then this is the place for you. HS is so full of itself and the specialness of its merchandise that each of its product names begins with "The," as in "The 1950s Countertop Soda Pop Machine" ($160), "The Lighted Billiard Balls" ($250), and "The Indoor Dog Restroom" ($150). There's also "The Aquarium Coffee Table" for $600, "The Personal Towel Warmer" for $100, or "The Stainless Steel Wallet" (huh?) for $90.

Those really sound like must-have items, don't they? Well, it gets better. There are also certain items that are described as "best" or "world's best": These "best" items are supposedly tested and deemed superior by the "Hammacher Schlemmer Institute," which is surely as impartial as it sounds. "The Best Electric Blanket" ($110 to $200, depending on size)--does anyone still use an elcetric blanket? I had one when I was growing up, three-plus decades ago, but I didn't ask for it and I didn't like it; my mom was just stingy with the heat in the winter.

Then there's "The Best Electronic Pants Presser" ($500), which costs ten or twelve times what a decent iron will cost you. Or how about "The World's Best Tabletop Prelit Noble Fir Tree" ($130), which is 40 inches high by 30 inches wide. I get why people buy prelit Christmas trees, but I think something this small is pretty pointless, and if you don't have enough space for a full-size tree, then you probably shouldn't be wasting your money on stuff like this anyway.

HS also seems to have a peculiar obsession with heated clothing. There are heated gloves ($25), socks ($25), insoles ($100), and a carbon-fiber vest ($150), all of which accomplish their tasks via rechargeable battery packs. What, no heated underwear? (Probably next year.)

To be fair, the folks at Hammacher Schlemmer do sell some things that are actually practical and useful, most of which tend to fall in the categories of fitness and personal care (blood pressure monitors, swim goggles, therapeutic heat/cold wraps). But these seem secondary to the rest of the useless, showy, and overpriced crap like the $2000 remote-controlled 1:10 scale Ferrari hydroplane, the various Thomas Kinkade holiday decorations, or the $3000 authentic Pac-Man arcade game.

These things sound just so appropriate for our current financial-crisis times, don't they? But maybe the events of the past month or so haven't affected you and your fortune. Maybe you're one of those people who equates lavishing expensive gifts on friends and family with your own self-worth. If so, Hammacher Schlemmer may have just what you need: "The 6 Foot Working Ferris Wheel Kit" ($500), or better yet, "The 14 MPH Cooler" ($500), which is basically a go-kart with an electric motor built around a cooler with an optional seat/backrest ($30). That probably isn't going to end well, so maybe this is a good gift idea for someone you don't like all that much, huh?